When you lose a parent you take security knowing that there are some things that you will never forget about them. The way they smiled, the texture of their hands, the foods that they enjoyed to cook, the way they danced, the way they would sing and the way they would tell you I love you. I think one of the scariest parts of losing anyone you love is the idea that you may forget these defining traits that so much molded the way you will always remember them. I can sometimes sit in a room by myself with nothing or no one and replay certain days or events in my head of my Dad and be able to smile so hard it hurts. But then the clouds seem to roll into my thoughts and I realize how that time will never be had again. And somehow I still find it hard to come to terms with this even though I know I have no choice. I find it’s important to veer away from these moments of reflection while around people. Also it seems necessary to not spend too much time in this train of thought. -SPOILER ALERT 4 INCEPTION- If I could relate the importance/feeling of this I would use the situation that takes place in the movie “Inception.” Where if they spend too much time in a dream or die in a dream they will find themselves in a sort of limbo where they are unclear on what is real or a dream. Now obviously I’m sane and know that these are only my memories that I’m visiting and maybe far too often because I begin to think of what could have been or the impossible…things that will never be able to take place. Suddenly your eyes get swollen and you feel the urge to bury your face in something or someplace dark and confined...busy even. I will always be envious of a woman having her father walk her down the aisle. I will always pay close attention to the relationship that my friend’s Fathers have with their Grandkids. I will continue to get advice on cars, insurance, rent, Los Angeles and restaurants from co-workers and other men that I value in my life. I will continue to take note of the Father’s that can fix things that I take comfort in asking them for help because everyone needs help from time to time. I’m coming around the bend where I know that its time to let go of the “What could have been” and do what you know will make the person you lost happy and proud of you. Maybe that’s the only way you can truly feel connected to them again. You know that if they are watching they would be laughing or smiling or crying or loving or trusting that you are doing what makes you happy.
Certainly not limited to but here are some of the gentlemen in my life that I appreciate their presence. Some are Dads. Some are advisers. Some make you laugh. Some are bestfriends. Some drive you crazy. Some you simply love to be around. Some are brothers. Some you hardly ever see but somehow it seems like time stands still. Some are all of the above. Thank you for stepping in and watching out for me from time to time and continuing to make me smile.
