N-S-E-W

I believe that we have all found ourselves at peculiar crossroads in which there is too much weight on the direction that we are insisted to make. Each route holds a certain curiosity and possibility that you want to follow through and understand. While all directions seem to be pulling you towards them with nothing but absolute strength. Sometimes the strain can be so much that nothing but chance plays a hand in this decision you are about to make. Life should be in such a way that you can demo your choices. I sometimes wonder how many mistakes I have made in the past. I wonder if I have trained my mind to so quickly accept and adjust to these choices (that could very well be mistakes) and allow them to become a way of living. Have I lost the ability to see clearly and learn from mistakes? That’s not how I want to be. So often it feels like I’m on a race to make the ultimate choice when most likely all I’m doing is making the ultimate mistake. Time can be your best friend and advocate when making decisions. But patience…patience and I have butted heads from time to time and I’m trying to mend that relationship. I look in the mirror and nothing but “Did I make the right decision?” runs through me head over and over. Spinning is induced to a rapid speed. At what age do we really grow up and find it easier to make decisions?

Crosses my mind here and there

While I sit in my solitude taking comfort in my headphones and also very much comforted by my ever so loving chocolate friend named Jackson who finds himself wrapped around my feet most recently…One question passes through my mind...


How do you live this one wild and precious life you are given?

If “they” gave me a guide I would have read it. But knowing me I would have also done the exact opposite of everything I was told to do. I have never been a “by the book” person. I believe I can thank my Father for this. I feel there is a certain romance and charm in this but I can also see where it could have been a more wise choice to read a little and even follow a guideline or two. However there is a path that I see myself on. It’s long and it’s vibrant and there is no end in sight. Everything seems a little blurry in the horizon but you know for certain what your eyes are fixed on. This is the path I walk down and this seems like the path I learned to take my first steps on. Sometimes I seem to slip and fall into the warm sand that has been resting in the sun for some time and I surely take comfort in this. It’s only when the sand seems to be wearing down a certain part of me that I shake it off and move forward. But always looking back in curiosity.

Stuck in Thought

When you lose a parent you take security knowing that there are some things that you will never forget about them. The way they smiled, the texture of their hands, the foods that they enjoyed to cook, the way they danced, the way they would sing and the way they would tell you I love you. I think one of the scariest parts of losing anyone you love is the idea that you may forget these defining traits that so much molded the way you will always remember them. I can sometimes sit in a room by myself with nothing or no one and replay certain days or events in my head of my Dad and be able to smile so hard it hurts. But then the clouds seem to roll into my thoughts and I realize how that time will never be had again. And somehow I still find it hard to come to terms with this even though I know I have no choice. I find it’s important to veer away from these moments of reflection while around people. Also it seems necessary to not spend too much time in this train of thought.  -SPOILER ALERT 4 INCEPTION- If I could relate the importance/feeling of this I would use the situation that takes place in the movie “Inception.” Where if they spend too much time in a dream or die in a dream  they will find themselves in a sort of limbo where they are unclear on what is real or a dream. Now obviously I’m sane and know that these are only my memories that I’m visiting and maybe far too often because I begin to think of what could have been or the impossible…things that will never be able to take place.  Suddenly your eyes get swollen and you feel the urge to bury your face in something or someplace dark and confined...busy even. I will always be envious of a woman having her father walk her down the aisle. I will always pay close attention to the relationship that my friend’s Fathers have with their Grandkids. I will continue to get advice on cars, insurance, rent, Los Angeles and restaurants from co-workers and other men that I value in my life. I will continue to take note of the Father’s that can fix things that I take comfort in asking them for help because everyone needs help from time to time. I’m coming around the bend where I know that its time to let go of the “What could have been” and do what you know will make the person you lost happy and proud of you. Maybe that’s the only way you can truly feel connected to them again. You know that if they are watching they would be laughing or smiling or crying or loving or trusting that you are doing what makes you happy.

Certainly not limited to but here are some of the gentlemen in my life that I appreciate their presence. Some are Dads. Some are advisers. Some make you laugh. Some are bestfriends. Some drive you crazy. Some you simply love to be around. Some are brothers. Some you hardly ever see but somehow it seems like time stands still. Some are all of the above. Thank you for stepping in and watching out for me from time to time and continuing to make me smile.

Observation #90217 ... I like to make lists.

As you get older you start to pay more attention to the little parts of life. I’m not sure when or why this happens. I have a theory or two but no one can be certain. I also can’t be certain that this is true for everyone but I believe it happens often enough to most to understand my meaning. You would think that it would happen less because as we get older we gain more responsibility and our mind seems to drift to the necessities of what life calls for. But maybe because we get so drained and exhausted by these demands that when we have a moment to stop and realize these little but beautiful moments that pass us way too often we have the notion of “Maybe I should slow down.” The little observations that happen every single day that we forget to remember or look back on. Or even the ones that we do remember but seem to dismiss with little to no appreciation because we think they will always be there. I’m here to tell you I appreciate you…you being little and miniscule thoughts, moments and or comforts. I love that you warm my heart and remind me. I find it a necessity to acknowledge you.


I will always love the way it feels to walk into my home and find unconditionally loving animals waiting for me with nothing but bodies that wiggle and tails that wag. They always almost surely seem to smile at some point.

I will always feel flattered when someone calls me by a nickname. I like knowing that someone feels like they know me well enough to call me something other than my birth given name.

I will always love when a man buries his face into the back of your hair and almost seems to breathe you in. It very well could be one of the most intimate moments you share with someone if you ask me.

I will always admire the people that can sing openly in front of other people without hesitation. Or even play an instrument of some kind. I won’t even let the dogs in the room with me when I attempt to play my piano. Key word these days ATTEMPT.

I will always love the children that act and love so freely. They could easily be a child that I will never split a conversation with but will remember their facial expressions and words spoken.

I will always love looking at pictures of film crews and thinking of them all as my father at some point. And I will always love being around the familiar sight of cables, gels, sand bags, apples boxes and grip tape. It’s like a big hug when I walk onto set. I usually keep this to myself.

I will always love the fact that Neil Young will hold a special place in my heart and every time I hear “Old Man” I will think of my brother Eli because it makes me happy that someone who acts so tough at times connects to such a delicate song.

I will always find it interesting and even funny the way that I stumble around writing and figuring out the configuration of words and sentences. You better believe that when I go back and read it there is a hand quickly covering my mouth in “Wow. What the hell was I thinking?”

I will always love the way Matty B looks at me without saying anything and leaves a room with nothing but a simple wink. The silent but ever so unspoken wordy exit with an affectionate grip.

I will always love the way board games seem to bring people together and guarantee laughs. Even if there is hesitation from members of the clan and even arguments over which game should be played…in the end everyone is laughing and the winners are bragging.

I will always love the sound a guitar makes when someone’s fingers drag across the strings. Even more so when you find this recorded on an album. I find its more accessible when you have one headphone in.

I will always love the way my brother Eli looks when he pulls out his guns and shows them off as if he would be happy with even the simplest smile throw his way for amusement. And he surly is. Why do boys like guns so much? Eli took me shooting at a much needed time and it did feel pretty amazing. Another thing I love is that I answer my own questions.

I will always love wearing the smell of pond water. It will always hold a special place in my heart and remind me of the good ol’ days on the old farm place. One day in particular when a dock broke. But that’s for another log.

I will always love knowing that I have a venue to write and feel like someone enjoys it or can relate to it in some way. Relate to this every changing, wild heart and even misunderstood to myself mind of mine.

I will always love the atmosphere that headphones bring to you while you write. It’s a nice way to cut off all distractions and emotion from the outside world that has nothing to do with your writing and they often hold a spark of inspiration.

I will always love the way music makes you feel. How it can change your attitude instantly. When a certain cord is hit or a note is sung. How can someone that we have never even shaken hands with have such a power over us? I will always love the mystery in that question.

I will always love walking into Nini’s house and throwing my bags on the ground and running to the couch to sprawl out and enjoy a plate of tacos. Or anything she makes for that matter.

I will always take comfort in the way freshly washed sheets seem to have open arms to you as you fall into them. White sheets in particular. They seem to have such a warm embrace.

I will always love watching movie trailers in a theatre before the actual movie begins. It's one of my favorite parts about going to see a movie. That and the hot dogs that have been roasting for 24 plus hours. What can I say...we all have our things!

I will always love being loved.


-Me

A Collection Of Thoughts

8-3-10

This entry finds me at a curious time in life. It insists upon being written if only for there to be room made for more “je ne sais quoi.” It’s been awhile since I have written anything that I have cared to share with others and I’m not sure if this will be another one of the many Microsoft word documents that will stay in my “Writings” folder and not be opened until I have a bittersweet day and feel the need to reflect. But here it goes…

How life has changed in the last year. Its funny how quick and sudden things develop. You make plans for one situation and another presents itself and you are suddenly faced with a set of certain circumstances that you feel pressing down on your shoulders like a bowlder with absolutely no remorse. Out of fear of making the wrong decision you act fast. Sometimes you make the right one. Sometimes you move forward and try to mend the wrong ones. But sometimes you find yourself stuck in a sort of limbo with the curiosity and the question of “What if?” I find myself playing certain days or situations over and over in my head and think of how things would have or could have been different. This is often pointless day dreaming because we cannot go back and change what has already been done. But even knowing that I catch myself doing this. I remind myself that I am in fact an adult and need to act as one.

These don’t always have to be negative transactions with inner thoughts of course. There are some times when you realize that you made the right choice and you couldn’t be happier with your decision. It’s the sort of sensation you get when you know you folded a somewhat bad hand in poker. A hand that you were not 100% confident in and so you tossed the cards away with slight hesitation. Give it a minute and watch the game play out and you realize it was a smart fold. These realizations find their way into your thoughts as well. The thoughts that remind you to be grateful and confident in yourself.

And now I find myself at the age of 25. I stop and realize that this is not a day dream. That I really have turned into an adult. They say 18 presents you with all the luxuries of being “grown up” but for some reason in my mind 25 has always represented that year of change and maturity. This opinion could all have been formed on the basis of some Hollywood flick but nonetheless it’s my official adult age. I think we all have one in our mind. I’d be curious to see how much they differ from one another. I keep thinking back on the last 7 years and I can’t believe how much has changed. The year of “the world is your oyster.” I can honestly say the world seemed a little less frightening at the age of 18. Maybe I was naive or even foolish but there was a somewhat glow to everything and all the possibility. I would take a leap of faith on just about everything and everyone. I was certain that there was good in every situation. Now I’m older and have a much more sinister mentality. I hate to admit the errors that I find in myself but only in writing can I acknowledge these things. That’s why I so admire watching children. They do everything they feel. They react to everything that moves them. They don’t stop and think of the consequences or how they might disappoint others. They just simply … are. I find it relaxing to watch something alive live so freely and without thought or motive. So much of the time I feel like we say or think or react in certain ways to progress ourselves in a situation or to make someone happy. When it isn’t our natural reaction at all. It could be the furthest thing from it in fact. When did we start focusing so much on other people and their happiness before our own? Don’t they say we ourselves need to be happy before we can make anyone else happy. Maybe we all need to stay young at heart in certain aspects of our life. Is this just a fool’s paradise?

Change. Sometimes we welcome it with open arms and sometimes we fight it with just about everything we got. Why does change have to be so scary sometimes? Maybe because we don’t know what is waiting for us on the other side. Maybe because we are stubborn and set in our ways. Or maybe even because we are content with being where we currently are in life and don’t feel like we need much more.

1-7-10

So I sit in my tiny but ample cubicle and attempt to write the first “Annie Logging” of the New Year. I am determined to write more this year for I believe it will do a world of difference for my well being in 2010. I can’t say that 2009 was a bad year but I also can’t say that it came and went without much difficulty. The tail end of the year and its bad and ever continuous vibes seem to be mocking me every day thus far. Some days I am able to put them behind me and meet the tasks that are waiting to be filled. But some days it seems harder to have that mind set. I have to remind myself throughout the day that it is all in the past and to move forward. I also think it’s important to acknowledge that everyone deals with moving on in their own way and at a different pace. I know that outside parties might look at my problems and think “Why, How, What, Where, When?” This is not to say that they don’t care or have concern. But I feel as if I’ve been pushed into a certain direction when I’m not completely ready. I’m the kind of person who enjoys time alone. Who can sit in my room for hours writing and listening to music. I often look forward to coming home after work, making dinner, taking the Puppy for a walk and doing crossword puzzles until I fall asleep. I enjoy the quiet and simple pleasures that seem to put me at ease. I like to think and work things out in my head.

4-3-10

I can honestly say that I am the most ungirly girl I know. And I think most of those who know me would have to agree with that statement. This has been true for the whole of my life. When I was a little girl the neighborhood boys AKA best friends would come knocking on my door asking my parents “Can Annie come out and wrestle?” Before my Mom or Dad could even respond I would be out of the door throwing my friends across the lawn. Some of this could be because I grew up with two older brothers who thought I was their rag doll of a sister. But I can take a lot of blame for this somewhat of an issue I have come upon.

Reason I have come to this understanding

-I don’t enjoy manicure or pedicures.

-I HATE shopping.

-I think “Pretty Women” is an awful movie about a whore.

-I don’t enjoy romantic comedies.

-I think it’s more fun to go to a dive bar than a hot lounge or club.

-Darts or pool is my ideal night.

-I only get my hair cut when forced to by my Mother. And yes I’m almost 25.

-I think it’s funny to buy condoms out of vending machines at old truck stops. Preferably flavored.

-I bite my nails.

-You almost have to drug me in order to get me to try on clothing before I purchase it.

-Even when I know I can’t handle it I’ll take a shot of whiskey to try and keep up with the boys.

-When I sit my legs are usually crossed or I sit on my feet.

-I like to sleep in boxers.

-I enjoy the company of animals more than people.

-Some of my favorite movies include Godfather, Casino, Apocalypse Now, Goodfellas & Die Hard.

-I love watching football and drinking beer.

-I love playing cards and usually winning.

-Star Wars is amazing.

-I think sitting around with a bunch of guys talking is very entertaining.

-I think it’s important to be strong willed in any and all situations.

-It’s important for a man or woman to be able to digest spicy food.

-Menudo is the one and only remedy for hang overs.

-A Sunday afternoon at the gun range is perfect.

-Liquor at anytime of the day works for me. No judgment.

-I don’t have any regard for calories or carbs.

-I wear mismatched socks almost every day that I wear socks.

-I enjoy spending time at a bar watching sports.

I guess I feel the need to write about it because as I get older I notice it more and more. In fact as I get older I notice more and more about myself in general.

4-27-10 (Part 1)

A thought that came to me tonight when I was in the shower was how I lived a year in Madison, Indiana. Even though it felt like a lifetime I don’t believe people understand or know what I’m talking about when I mention the farm or the smell of the country or why I love to fish so much. They just think that I have made a trip or two there and have made it seem familiar enough to talk about. This chapter of my life goes something like this …

It was the summer before my 6th grade school year. I was finally about to be the oldest in my school and for some reason that always meant something to me. This could be because I was the youngest of three kids and also the only girl. I finally had a chance to feel in charge even though I never thought of myself as a bully. But the fact that I COULD be was exciting enough. To say the least I was not thrilled to be pulled out of school and throw into a crowd of brand new faces in an unknown territory. This was also the first time that my brothers and I would all be in separate schools. I usually had Eli a classroom or two away from me but not this time. Ill never forget the first day of school when I walked in with a floral print skirt and tank top on with jellie sandals and sat down in the bleachers for roll call. The first interaction I had with my soon to be peers was a girl my age walking up to me and asked “Um why are you so dark?” I looked up and noticed everyone in our grade sitting around me starring waiting for some kind of alien like response. However all I could come up with was “I’m half Mexican and from California,” and shamefully let my head fall into my lap. And you could hear the whispers spread like the wave through the crowd of judgmental kids. I can’t tell you that I wouldn’t have fallen in with the crowd had the tables been turned because I’m uncertain. But I only know how much I hurt at that moment. I was able to pull it together and even make friends. Although it seemed like all my friends were boys. Even my teacher and our class pet named Davis. I think the guys liked being my friend because Id wrestle with them and swim in the streams with them at cliffty falls state park. While the other girls were learning to put on make up and stuff their bra. I like how I was and looking back I still like how I was.

When we first moved to Indiana we lived on a 400 acre farm in the country with my grandparents. This had been an occasional place to visit in my past and it was not completely unknown or disliked. The smell of biscuits and gravy was something that I had grown to love. And the walks in the woods would only make your nose ignore any other scent that ever presented itself or at least you would hope for this. The insects were something that I would never grow fond of. From the moment we stepped out of our warn down minivan I was “ate up” by bugs. Bugs by names I don’t believe anyone outside of Indiana would call them. There were all sorts of interesting creatures in the hearty woods of Indiana. At least to someone coming from the suburbs outside of L.A.

How do I explain the farm to someone who has never stood in front of it and seen the sun fall behind its heavy frame? It was and always will be something to be seen. The skinny walk way that leads to the front door and if you wandered off you would find apple orchards to your left and the dog pin and shed to your right. Had you decided to turn around you would see the cement barn filled with fishing poles and old cars that smelled like oil and rusted out metal. And if you were to make a complete circle you would see nothing but land that was owned and loved by my family for so many years. It was something beautiful. It always held a magical atmosphere to me since I could run off by myself for hours. Fishing with my dogs or picking wild flowers or even just sitting in the barn with all the tractors and writing in my journal. I can’t help but mention the smells once again. I’m always looking for that rich green and moist smell of moss and hay and burning wood. It reminds me of  "katy dids" hanging on the window frames and rolling around in fresh cut grass. I miss being that age.

With the land also presented somewhat of a problem for the animal lover inside me. With a lot of land comes a lot of “game” and a lot of volunteers to hunt off that game. Nobody ever wants to see Bambi types hanging in the barn with blood draining from their nose. Nor do you enjoy knowing that your dogs run off and eat Bambi’s guts. It was never a pretty sight my friends. But it was always a grand view when you would drive or walk across a field and see 20 deer grazing. I must say that some of my favorite moments were when I would go fishing. Ever since I was a little girl fishing has been one of my favorite things to do. I’m not sure if it’s because my Dad would take me when he was home. Or if there is just something about the silence and lack of focus that keeps me enthralled. It was peaceful. The only time I’d come up for air was when I ran out of hot dogs and needed more bait.

6-27-10

So it’s official…I have moved out of BURBANK and I’m now living in Sherman Oaks or what some might refer to as “The Valley.” I’m not too keen on this idea but I have come to terms with what is only a collection of words that seem to identify a place rather than the quality of living there. That being said my arms are open and inviting this new location in with high hopes. However moving is never fun. Even though it has only been a week I already see myself missing or knowing I will miss certain parts of living in Burbank. Here are a few that come to mind in no particular order…

-I miss hearing the kids play at the elementary school in the morning.

-I will miss the smell of my neighbors cigar lit while he watered the grass like clockwork every day as I was coming home from work.

-I will miss the little old man that I would see so often walking down the street by himself in a walker and would take a break every couple houses. And as you would drive by him he would stare at you like you were some sort of alien.

-Board game nights that could be thrown together in a matter of moments.

-The bum that lived on the corner of our street that would move his belonging all day long to find them in the same spot at the end of the day. I was always curious with that one.

-The way the dryer made the house smell.

-Taking a shower and having Casey bang on the door “I need to go pee. Can I come in?”

-Having open and deep conversations with Casey whilst peeing with the door open.

-Being able to run across the street and run laps, get in sprinkler fights at 2AM or just take a stroll with a friend. But mostly to be able to walk by the fire house…

-Sadly and even a little scary…hearing the squirrels run across our roof in the morning.

-Knowing that any time of day or night I could go into my roomie/bestfriend’s room and talk if I needed to.

-The short commute to work.

-I will miss being able to run home in 5 minutes if I needed to.

Smiles Returning To The Faces

I've found myself looking for the positive in each day. To find the tiniest but most sincere moments and hold them in high esteem. After having a slew of unforgettable days in the past year I feel it is necessary to appreciate what is so often missed. The sights that bring nothing but joy to your heart. The smells that ignite something inside of you. The sounds that make you feel young and trust again. The energy that comes from all of these things is like a bed of cotton where everything is soft and free of what plagues our thoughts. I find myself slowing down and feeling these things and when I do I'm amazed at how easy it is to be simply ... happy.

Quick Update

I have taken my seat at work with a full cup of tea to the left of me and I am determined to complete a blog at some point today. I have been working on several pieces and have not been able to finish them. However when I go back and read my work in progress it never seems quit as amazing as I once thought it to be. Bare with me for this blog will be somewhat of an update in the life of Annie while I try and complete some other pieces.

Work. How do I explain the love that I have for "hiatus?" For those of you who don't know the meaning of hiatus let me oblige you. And I quote "A period when something (as a program or activity) is suspended or interrupted." This means our shows are taking a nice break before we start filming our new seasons. However I do have 2 shows working but I still have 4 shows on break so you can only imagine how much slower and more relaxing the days are until the first week of July when our shows return. Its also nice because it gives  me time to interact with my co-workers more. Relationship have in fact developed over the last couple weeks and it make the work family get even bigger. Also if you are lucky enough with hiatus come the wrap parties. Drinks, food and dancing are always a complete and full night of bliss. Not to mention plenty of picture opportunities. Show List:
                          1. Weeds
                          2. Dexter
                          3. Brothers & Sisters
                          4. Castle
                          5. Desperate Housewives
                          6. Loves Bites (New)
                          7. The Mentalist (New)

Santa Barbara was the location for my memorial day weekend. After a weekend filled with unfamiliar faces and tons of eager hand shakes I feel that I have met someones world in the matter of a few days. I can honestly say that I wont remember half of their names but I will remember the way their faces looked when they saw each other. Friends ... how they make our world so much more complete. If you are lucky enough to have even one true friend you will know the warmth that even a smile from them will bring. I was lucky enough to see this all first hand over memorial. Even though I felt like the odd ball in the group not having known anyone ... it was sincere to watch some of the people you love interact with their friends. Its always great to people watch but when you people watch with the people you love it's even more interesting and agreeable.

Last weekend I was lucky enough to make a quick visit to San Clemente to see my family and my adorable cousin who could be the cutest pregnant woman alive. I never knew the "glow" that women hold when they are pregnant until I saw Sierra. She was truly beaming. I also made a surprise visit to San Diego in support of some friends running the San Diego marathon. I was in complete "ah" with pretty much anyone who was willing to complete this amazing event. I sat there and watched about 10,000 people pass me and was inspired and motivated to join them next year or even train to do a half marathon this November in Santa Barbara! I'm not the best runner in the world and I can honestly say that most of the scars I have on my knees are from tripping and falling at some point in life. But I look forward to at least running a half marathon. I think my Dad would be my motivation to keep moving. I'm not completely sure why. Determination and being strong willed was something that I admired about my Dad and this is certainly something that will come into play in the next couple months of training.

Stay Tuned!
Annie